Young Ruben, a poor man without education or social background falls in love with a millionaires daughter. She invites him to her house for dinner and to meet her parents.
Dinner is served in luxurious style and Ruben is just beginning to relax when suddenly he farts loudly. The girls father looks up and then stares at the large dog lying at Rubens feet.
"Rover," he calls out and the dog waves his tail. Ruben is relieved that the dog has been blamed, but just then cuts another fart. His host looks up and in a louder voice says, "Rover!"
The dog looks up but yawns and goes back to sleep. Within minutes, Ruben farts again. The rich father grimaces and shouts to his dog, "Rover, get out from under there before he shits all over you!"

Paddy has had a few drinks at lunchtime and is going home on the bus, when a woman gets on with her baby. Paddy cant believe his eyes and just keeps staring at them.
Finally he cant resist any longer, so he leans over and says, "Lady, that is about the ugliest baby I have ever seen!"
The woman freaks out and starts sobbing uncontrollably.
The conductor stops the bus and comes to see what the problem is, but the woman is too upset to speak.
"Okay, Madam," says the conductor, "I will go to that cafe across the street and bring you a nice cup of tea; that should calm you down. And while I am there, I will get a banana for your monkey."

Three guys are sitting in the pub one evening, talking about their dogs.
The first guy, a car salesman, says,
"My dog is incredible, I have trained him as my assistant. Watch this!"
He whistles, and his dog jumps up and races out of the door. Five minutes later, he is back. In his mouth are all the papers, signed and sealed, of a brand new Cadillac car he has just sold. The salesman pulls out a box of biscuits and gives one to his dog.

"Thats nothing," says the next guy, a doctor. Just then, there is a screech of brakes and a crash of metal outside the pub. The doctor whistles and his dog jumps up and races out of the door.
Within five minutes the dog has bandaged up all the casualties, called an ambulance and comes running back into the pub. So the doctor gives his dog a biscuit.

"Thats nothing," says the third guy, a lawyer. He gives a whistle and his dog jumps up, eats all the biscuits, screws the other two dogs and then goes out to lunch.

Mrs. Zabriski walks into her son's bedroom, turns on the light and shakes him roughly. "Come on," she says, "you have got to get up and go to school."
"But Mom," whines the son, "I dont wanna go to school."
"It is eight oclock," says Mrs. Zabriski, "You gotta go!"
"But, Mom, I hate school," he says, "the kids dont like me, the janitor does not like me, even the teachers dont like me."
"You gotta go," insists Mrs. Zabriski, "you are forty years old and you are the headmaster."

The shy young bride is really upset when she learns that her husband has been married twice before.
Through her tears, she asks him what has become of his two previous wives.
"I may as well tell you," says her husband. "My first wife died from eating poisonous mushrooms."
"And your second wife?" she cries.
"She died of a fractured skull," the man answers. "It was her own fault, she wouldnt eat the mushrooms."

Mulla Nasrudin had taken one too many when he walked upto the police sargeants desk. "Officer you better lock me up," he said. "I just hit my wife on the head with a beer bottle." "Did you kill her:" asked the officer. "Dont think so," said Nasrudin. "THATS WHY I WANT YOU TO LOCK ME UP."